


I Will Never Find Another You

by Emaisnialleraf



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotional Hurt, Exhaustion, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt No Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, the team mentioned - Freeform, you can decide the ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:54:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23935681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emaisnialleraf/pseuds/Emaisnialleraf
Summary: “Just let us help you. Please, Evan. Let us help you.”“I don’t want to be helped anymore.”He sobbed into his hands, hiding his face away as he just let everything out.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 232
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	I Will Never Find Another You

**Author's Note:**

> This was found deep in the archives, written but never posted. 
> 
> Title was inspired by the song Another you by Of Mice and Men; their album Restoring Force way back when is beautiful, you should give it a listen!  
> This song just spoke to me and rereading this really made that connection which ultimately inspired me to actually post it. 
> 
> Enjoy and take heed to the warnings in the tags above

There was a lullaby his mom used to sing to him every night when he was a child, voice so soothing and it calmed him down through any nightmare. He remembered closing his eyes, picturing whatever happy place he could conjure up and just letting the words calm him into peace. He has not truly been as happy as he was those nights when the world stopped, if just for a moment, and his soul was full of warmth and radiance.  
But now, he had never missed that lullaby more. These past few weeks had been the loneliest he has ever felt, there was no one on his side and he for once had no one he could turn to. In his life he had made thousands of mistakes, too many to count, but humans made the wrong turns here and there. A part of him felt like there should have still been someone here to love him, to tell him he was going to be okay; There should be someone to hold his hands and keep him warm in this frigid wispy air.  
Reality was that he had no one. 

Sighing gently into the wind he felt his hands tremble, lying against his thighs without an ounce of will. His breath turned white the moment it hit the cold breeze and he watched the evidence float away without a goodbye. It was almost pleasant, that and the cars traveling quickly below him promising him sleep for however long he needed it. He was so exhausted and as he shivered once again into the night he heard footsteps walking up behind him.  
“Sir, I am going to have to ask you to step back a bit for me.”  
Athena's voice was gentle, he was almost tempted to show her his face so she would give him some space and leave him to his own thoughts. After all he has done to Bobby there is no way she would still dare call him a friend; call him family.  
“I think talking through it will help a lot more than getting rid of the opportunity all together.”  
His legs began to kick anxiously, nerves pinching up his spine as he let out a deep breath. Blinking became harder to do and the weight was growing behind them. It was a feeling trying to grow past the apathy that was steadily pushing through his chest.  
A flashlight caused a flinch, hands reaching for the structure below him in panic. His lungs tightened for a second and before he could calm himself back down he heard the voice once again.  
“Buck?”  
From head to toe his body trembled, cold air and fear striking him all at once as the presence behind him grew stronger.  
“Baby, what are you doing on this bridge?”  
Shaking his head he felt his lips tremble, the apathetic nature melting away as he listened to her tone grow softer.  
“Why don’t you come up here with me and we can talk for a bit.”  
She was so close and he almost pushed himself farther over the edge of the drop. 

There were sirens behind him, loud and piercing screams that he once grew so familiar with. If Athena was here would she have called his former friends? His team?  
Anger flashed for a second, only filling him to the brim with more agony as he began falling behind his blurred vision. The officer stopped talking after a while, leaving him to his own thoughts and the longer he sat here the more exhausted he realized he was. Drained at all sides he just wanted this all to be over. He wanted everyone to go away and stay far, to just let him do something for himself and his mind to stop hounding on him. 

“Hey, bud.”  
There was no need for him to open his eyes, he knew who was next to him and he could hear the harness loud as day. In his path he had gotten a bit farther down, and as well as he knew the team's plan he also knew they had no chance. He had the decision in his head and no one was going to force him to do anything.  
“Leave me alone.”  
Days of isolation and he knew this was not how he wanted Bobby of all people to see him. In his last moments.  
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Buck.”  
He seemed to swing closer, forcing the blonde to retaliate by sliding closer to the edge.  
“Don’t do that, Buck. Just stay where you are, I know things are tough right now, but a permanent solution like this won’t help anyone.”  
Biting his lip he choked on a soft cry, soon to be sob that was pushing upward in his chest. He could still picture the disappointment on his captain’s face, the hatred when he told him about his plans to go back to work. They must hate him- Bobby must hate him. He didn’t mean for the lawyer to get so personal and hearing the man get lower he felt guilt pooling in his stomach.  
“I’m sorry, Bobby.”  
“Theres no need to be sorry-”  
“What he said.. I didn’t think he was gonna use it-”  
He choked on an escaping sob, hands curling back around the heaviness underneath him.  
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright, Buck. You were upset and you were hurt, I know you never meant to hurt anyone.”  
“I just didn’t want to be alone.”  
His head fell forward tiredly.  
“You’re not-”  
“I lost the team. I lost my family and Maddie and Eddie- I don’t have anyone-”  
“You could never lose us, Buck.”  
“I’m so tired,” he was such an idiot. No one cared that he was tired-  
“Then let’s get off this bridge and head home. We can all get some rest and- When’s the last time you slept, pal?”  
“I can’t sleep.”  
The other man tilted his head in worry, directing his gaze over to him in an honest way he had never expressed before. He let his emotions make his face and let out a deep gasp of ache.  
“What do you mean?”  
“The nightmares- I don’t like the nightmares.”  
“What are they about?”  
“Everything.”  
“The accident?”  
He nodded.  
“The tsunami.”  
He nodded again.  
“Losing Maddie?”  
WIthout having to respond he dropped his eyes, flashes of memories burning behind them as his cheeks grew warm.  
He was trembling in the temperatures around him and somehow felt even lonelier than he had been in weeks.  
God, he was so tired of being alone.  
“But you aren’t alone, Buckaroo.”  
Turning he saw Chimney, hanging on the other side of him with a small smile on his face.  
“I’m so lonely, I am so tired of being lonely- I can’t do it anymore-”  
His hands rose to his hair, clutching to the strands as more sobs left his lips.  
“I messed everything up and I can’t fix it-”  
“No, we messed up. We should have been there for you when you needed it most, you didn’t want to hurt us and we saw that, Buck.”  
Bobby seemed so sure, how could he be so sure? It didn’t make sense- why didn’t Bobby let him fall? And Chimney? They didn’t understand-  
“Just let us help you. Please, Evan. Let us help you.”  
“I don’t want to be helped anymore.”  
He sobbed into his hands, hiding his face away as he just let everything out.

**Author's Note:**

> This is really messy and I know, usually I say give me all the corrections, I will go back and fix it later, ect. but this quarantine is really making a mess out of me.. so anything unkind is better kept to yourself.  
> Please & thanks guys.


End file.
